Changes

Sometime ago I wrote something on changes. Well pondering over a new heading for my post the word came up to the surface. Well in the last few days I have tried to change myself quite a bit…not any momentous changes…the kind that changed a robber into sage valmiki…rather some superficial ones that would keep people in a wrong impression about who I really am. As I am glancing over my past posts for nearly a year now they all seem to penned by a typical angst ridden, confused teenager with a good talent at using words. Somehow they strike me a bit silly now…somehow I feel a bit a grownup now. I can’t put my finger on it but the mellow of age which I avoided like the fucking plague seems to have caught up with me at last.

Let me go over what changes I propose to bring over myself. Barun Mishra has always been the man who you could always count upon….he gave up hours before exams explaining your doubts…he wrote your essays…your programs…fixed up your PC…listened to your problems…you could take liberties with him for he would always put himself in you shoes and forgive you. I am not boasting. I did all those things out of 2 reasons.3 actually.

1. If you were in a fix & I could help you out of it I will do whatever I can. It’s the hero complex. The overbearing sense of duty toward others.

2. The 2^nd’s the Rubik complex. I needed to solve a puzzle. Something I share with Sherlock Holmes & Gregory house. I crave for mental challenges. If no one has been able to solve it all the better. It gave a sense of pride & superiority.

3. This is the best one. Sometimes when I got a chance to do it I would do a poor Marlon Brando. With a swollen jaw & feeble patriarchal voice I would say

“ A day may come when I may call upon you to do me a favor but until such a day comes, consider this a gift”. This was just for show. Though many such days came & went I never asked for help if it was not offered on its own.

I think this lax attitude has made people take me for granted. I mean I wont be mr.good guy if it costs me my ego. But turning others down has never come easily to me but I am trying…I am trying real hard to be a self-centred, narrow minded jerk.

The Dripping Sand & Disk Defragmentation

I know the sand does not drip...but at the moment the right word doesn't spring to the mind. I write this from home all alone, down with a mild cold & a weaker fever. Am trying to turn some pages in a book to read but nothing seems to pierce through this thick skull anymore. This made me wonder aimlessly through my PC. 160 GB of data & nothing to cure my boredom. Then I realised I should defragment my hard-drive...haven't done it in sometime. So I started the defragmentor & suddenly realised that for about 10 mins I was staring the red,blue& green bars rearrange themselves. How pathetic is that???

This made me remember sometime ago(may be 12 years) I used to stare in the same way at the sand hour glass at a doctors house. The sand falls at a constant speed...I know that it is a mechanical process..it has no novelty..no intrigiung puzzle to solve..no eye candy...but still I love to watch it go on on ...

On a more philosophical note...I am not me if I don't strain to find to find meaning,patterns among all things...anyway On a more philosophical note it feels like the passage of time is more interesting than the events happening in between them...maybe the falling sand with all its brown coarseness means more to you then than anything else...

In 10 days I leave for the last session of my stay at NIT Rourkela...I never thought that I would be nostalgic or sad about leaving it...but the truth is slowly sinking in that the 4 years wasn't that much of void as I had thought it would be...its complicated..I think I am being reminded of a line by Sartre..
its something like,"When I look back on my life I realise all that I am ,all that life has thought me,has fashioned me into are only by my miseries. On the other hand I only vaguely remember the happy moments and they have taught me nothing. If I were to live my life all over again I would choose this for I prefer to be sad & wise than to be happy and foolish"...those were entirely my lines echoing the thought of Sartre....

NIT made me aware of things I hadn't known I was capable...it blew up my bubble of naivity & thought me to look for hope in other ways...it made me an eloquent sociopath...it showed the the world of knowledge sitting in the NET...it almost took away my love for literature,physics& chess...the three things I had in my life...and replaced them with mathematics...it made the boy in me a man...the man in me a boy...it made me more self-reliant to the extent that I shun any kind of help or even a kind word......

I don't regret my life here...I am a better person because of it...but all the beneficiary shit I mentioned was just the side effects of a fucked up system on a sensitive mind...but I am glad that the Barun that people knew in 2004 has survived...he is scarred but being a wily fighter he just fended off the troubles watching the sand dribble(is that the word)....knowing that the sand would soon get over and to keep things going, that at the bottom will have to swap places with that at the top...

THE DEFRAGMENTATION IS ALMOST COMPLETE...:)